I am home-schooled and Mama makes me write essay about what I did this summer, so I write about my birthday now. My birthday comes every year in Summer, right between the day of fire in the sky and loud noise, America’s birthday, and the day of Mama-and-Daddy together always, anna-versa-ree. The hum-in calendar thing (ours have pictures of kitties, not the same kitties as in our house) calls my birthday July 17th, same birthday as Gandalf who died. So I am six now, and for my birthday I got to have Torchy day and do whatever I want. I got best presents ever!
Daddy has his Harley-Davidson and sometimes takes me vroom-vroom in saddlebags, but Mama pointed out that if someone saw me, they would not think I was real anyway, so I could ride with them outside. So Daddy took me out and let me ride on the handle bars, hang-on-tight-son, even gave me a leather jacket and my own doo-rag! Made for doggie, but I can wear because Mama made wing-holes in the jacket for me. I did not need goggles, am flying person and have nic-a-tating mem-brain things over eyes. There is stupid frozen-shit hell-met law in new Cartwright home Tarheel State, but no hell-met fits me and I don’t need one anyway. My best brain is not in my head. It is in my butt. My other small brain is in my skull, but is only spare in case my good brain is hurt and my skull is thicker than hu-min one too. Mama laughs and says that explains a lot. Mama says typical male. Mama thinks she is hill-airy-us. Daddy says she doesn’t mean it, but I know that. Anyway, is true females are smarter. So say my dragon teachers on Internet. They make me spell more better. It is important that I learn English perfect because I am the future em-bass-a-dor to whole human people. I am not sure I like my dragon teachers. My egg came from them but they are not fun like Mama and Daddy. Too serious!
Daddy started the Harley, vroom-vroom, took us out on Jake Alexander Boulevard (I saw the sign). People looked at me funny from car things, honked, but I did not care. We went really fast, wind got under my wings like I was big and really flying, felt great, so I let go of handlebars and flew, really flew!
Mama was on back and she freaked out inside, but she is biker’s old lady and did not panic, knew bike would tip over if she moved wrong. She just let go of Daddy and told me to come to her, now. I was too excited by flying but she got hold of my tail and wrapped it around her arm. I have lots of tail and this does not hurt, this is how Mama sometimes carries me on her shoulder now that I am bigger. She was so mad she thought of nasty thing called spanking, it means to hit child! I could feel it. But she has never hit Torchy, kitties, nobody, not in my whole life, thinks this spanking thing is BAD BAD, only thought of it because she was afraid for me to fall and wants me to be careful, Torchy. She pulled me to her and said BAD BOY, like when I ate a fish from the Oscar tank, but it was a goldy-fish meant for Bem to eat and Bem didn’t eat it, so why not okay for me? Mama points to fishes and says Don’t eat these fish okay Torchy and I don’t eat those fish, only the goldy ones sometimes. She had to admit that I was right that time, and anyway my dragon teachers told her that soon I would try to fly and it would be okay. When we got off the bike she told me to be more careful. I said sorry Mama but I had to. I couldn’t stop! Daddy, who always sticks up for me when Mama is upset, told her I’d just hovered right over the bars and kept up with the bike, and besides I wear these leather things Daddy calls jesses, like for a tame hawk, tied to the bars. Mama worries too much.
She said sorry, don’t want my baby to get hurt, good boy, all these Mama things, and all is happy birthday me again. She gives me best thing of all, chock-lit cake with fire-in-the-hole sauce on my piece. I blew out all my candles after I lit them my own self. I am only six, but Mama put whole box 24 multicolored birthday candles on my cake and let me eat every one. They were delicious! Dragon teachers should be happy now. I looked up that word in Funk and Wagnalls Standard Desk Dictionary to spell it right.
Mama laughed, Daddy too. Why is that funny? Mama says, will find out when Laugh-In is on Nick at Night and let me watch. Best birthday ever!