Mama calls me her favo-rit dragon. I asked Mama, who once swallowed dictionary when very small (she says) what favo-rit means. She spells it for me right so I can write it right, favorite. English is stupid. So many words sound the same but spelled different, or spelled the same but mean different. There are rules and rules, but the rules do not always work. Mama and especially Daddy say damn right, English is stupid language. Mama says sorry, Torchy, but no choice except to memorize dictionary. I ask if it is better to swallow one. There are many-many in the house and I can do this if okay to burn it a little first. Mama says no, only joking, but did read dictionaries when small so much it was like swallowing. I will not eat the book, then. I have always been good boy, never burned or hurt books, learned to read by my own self so I can be wise like Mama and Daddy and know human things. One human thing I know, books are fine things to make one wise. Mama says to learn difference between wise head and wise ass. I think I know already, though. Wise ass is Mama making jokes about swallowing big book when little girl. Wise head is not believing everything she says; especially when she thinks she is funny.
I am to write today about my favorite person, so I write today about favorite feline person, Nebula Tiva Cartwright, Jump Kitty, Trouble Spot Kitty. She has all these names, but she is Nebbie for short.
Nebbie is my favorite kitty person. She is brave like little dragon. She fears nothing; I can feel her feelings and know this. She does not even fear me when I breathe smoke or fire, although I do not breathe fire in house unless Mama says okay, and then only a little. Mama says insurance policy thing does not cover dragon burning down house. I read the insurance policy thing for homeowners, asked Mama if I am an act of God because that is not covered either and policy does not say anything about dragons. Mama says that when God made me, he was not acting. I asked Mama is God a human or a dragon? She said yes. I am confused but Mama won’t talk about it any more. She says read all of many-many religion books she has, and then talk to her. I think Mama is stalling. She says damn right.
Anyway, Nebbie is the bravest kitty person in our house, maybe in the world. She fears no other creature, even doggies so much bigger than her as the neighbor’s dog is. I saw her get out one day. She is an indoor kitty, so Mama went after her, and neighbor man was taking dog out to pee in the yard. Nebbie growled at the dog. The neighbor man thought she was afraid, but I could feel Nebbie. She was ready to fight that big dog, mad at Mama because Mama picked her up and took her inside. She should have been a dragon! The thing is, some fear might be better since she is not a dragon. She so loves Daddy that she hisses at me, swats with her paw at me, who could put her on fire with a tiny burp. Daddy is top caregiver person, first human I ever saw on the day I was born, but I cannot sit with him if Nebbie is there, she wants only herself to be with him. I sit on Daddy’s shoulder when she is there, so she may have the lap as is proper for kitty person, but she is selfish, wants all of Daddy for her own. She cannot have all of him because most of him is for Mama and me, some for other kitties, but she is a kitty, a CAT. Cats only understand what they want right now.
Example is this. One day Daddy is cleaning aqua-ree-ums, fishie tanks, and Nebbie is meowing because he is busy and ignores her. She cries, she dances as graceful as little dragon, so pretty to watch. This is what she does. She dances before doing the jump kitty thing that is so cute, Mama says so, makes a special sound, not like her regular meow that Mama says sounds like a tiny little air horn. I know that soon she will jump to Daddy, but Daddy is not paying attention, vacuuming Bem’s home, must get all nasty stuff off bottom, not hurt fishies or take out too much water. Lid is open, glass on top of tank is up. Mama says, watch out for lid being open, Torchy, don’t fall in. Mama is wise and loves me, so I listen most times to her in-struck-shuns.
Nebbie listens only to inner voice that says jump to Daddy. She jumps, but lid is open. She falls in because Daddy does not catch her as he usually does when she does jump kitty and jumps into his arms. She falls in head first.
I fly. Daddy has dropped vacuum thing, has tried to grab Nebbie, but she is sinking down in big tank. Fishies scatter, Bem hides behind arch thing in his tank, and Daddy puts his arms in up to his shoulders. I land beside him and dive.
I get under Nebbie, push her up to Daddy’s hands, and he pulls her out. She cries, wet but not drowned. I am still under the water. I have not sucked in air first or held breath, but something makes me breathe in, then out. I can breathe water! Surprise to me, but more so to Mama and Daddy, who are trying to pull me out. I shake off hands, climb out, shake myself, water flies everywhere, then I cough up water. Wings too wet to fly, otherwise I am okay. I say so to my parents once all the water comes out and I can talk again.
Mama and Daddy dry Nebbie and me off. Nebbie gets old towel, I get one of Mama’s best good towels. We both get dried with the good-warm hair dryer, Mama has two, one for each bathroom. I, Torchy, can use the toity since always, flush using claws, keep seat down, honey, but Mama says I rip up the TP roll, don’t claw it. For me she keeps Kleenex box on top of toity, can take out one tissue at a time.
Parents are proud of “brave little dragon,” “good boy, Torchy,” for saving of brave kitty, but Nebbie is not grateful. She hisses because she is mad at being grabbed and wet with stinky fishie water, plus mad because Daddy is drying me off and not her. She hisses and swats me good on nose. She is de-clawed, Mama says don’t worry, won’t do this to Torchy, Torchy knows not to claw furniture, but a kitty swat would not hurt me anyway. I have a tough hide.
Nebbie is my favorite person. She is pretty and brave, but mean and dumb sometimes.
I like her anyway. Since she does not like me, maybe I am dumb to like her. I will let her have some of my raw meat, so she will like me, but only some of it. She would eat it all if I let her!
By Margaret Cartwright©